First blog post

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Is it worth it?

Everyone always says, if you love your job, you never work a day in your life. I’ve recently been struggling between my passion and another profession. I am so, so truly in love with art. This year I have grown exponentially with my skills and my creativity has blossomed. I am in love with the feeling of creating beautiful things, all in the works of my mind and hands. I’m in love with color, texture, and imagination. I am in love with looking at other people’s art, and learning so much about that person. I feel so connected and so happy when I am doing it and I feel like I’m in the right place when I’m surrounded by people who feel that same way too. I’ve learned to love graphic design, photography, and fallen back in love with drawing and painting this year. I’ve learned so many new things and each one of those new things has been so significant and important and has built up to help me create even more. I love all of this, but is this what I want to do with my life? I know there are jobs out there, or maybe not. Maybe I could be independent and do it on my own and create anything I want. Maybe I could work for a company, as a graphic artist and do independent work on my own. But will I be satisfied financially? When I grow up I want to get married and have kids, and I want to take all of them to travel the world. I need to travel the world. I just can’t decide between my passion, or maybe a new passion. My other choice would be public relations. I’ve interviewed several PR people who are highly successful and love their jobs. I was even offered an internship last year for St. Jude, for when I’m old enough. I met all of the women that work for St. Jude PR, and they all loved me. I was offered this year, to intern for a law firm, and for a marketing company both for PR also. I get excited about Public Relations as well, and know that it offers me a much more stable future financially. I could still have a great job and a great time doing it. But it’s not my passion. I feel like I just wouldn’t be as satisfied with myself because there is no better feeling to me than being submerged my what I love. Yet people always tell me, “oh, that’s nice. But it can be a side thing.” My grandad even told me that. Totally shot me down on maybe majoring in graphic arts. That made me feel very distant from him. My parents are always supportive in what I want, but my dad has always always always pushed business on me for years. He was very pleased with my interest in PR, and set up some really great meeting with people who do so, including the people from St. Jude. Since I was little has he pushed me toward business, and he didn’t ever let me forget it. Yet, a couple weeks ago, he told me something that actually meant the whole world to me. It was actually the night I performed my poem at the Wolf. He told me that he knows he’s always pushed business on me, but he’s been so impressed with my art and my creativity this year, that if I wanted to pursue my art, that he thinks I will be extremely successful. He told me he was so proud of me, and knows I will be great either way. This just about made me cry, because he made me feel like it was all possible. He tells me all the time that he shows people from work all of the stuff I made, and even the poem I performed. He loves showing people the things I made and getting their reactions. I think that’s such a great thing, but for him to actually kick business to the curb and tell me he believes in me, really has made me consider it legitimately. I don’t know if he knows how much that meant to me, but I just might have him to thank for helping me make my decision.

Hopefully, I make the right one.

Growing up fast

I’ve always thought that I’ve been little. The youngest kid in my family, it’s easy to feel that way. The last to lose my first tooth, go to school, get a job, drive my own car. I know how to take care of myself, and I’m very aware of my surroundings. The one thing that I just can’t wrap my mind around is that I’m leaving for college next year. I got accepted to the school I want to go to in August. I got the grades all by myself, volunteered, worked a job, danced, ran, and won awards through high school to do it. I did it all myself but yet it feels out of nowhere. I’ve been doing adult things, that may seem like a small deal but have actually been preparing myself for when I leave. I drive myself everywhere I need to go, make my own appointments and attend them on my own, I college searched and applied by myself, I’ve been working since I was 15, I do my own laundry, and pay for all my luxuries on my own. I even created a savings account last year and have saved some money. Those things may seem small but just about all of my friends rely on their parents for most of the things I have done myself for years. I should feel more prepared than I feel, and I’m sure I am. I’m sure when I get to college I will be ready and I will be excited, but that excitement is only growing right now. I still have one last semester of high school, but even thinking that makes it seem so soon. One last semester of high school. That, is the final step of me being a kid. It’s weird, all of the people around me my age, always try to act older than they are. I’ve always tried to keep the fun of being a kid, and it took me a while to mature but now that I have I feel like I understand them even less. I like being able to have a free mind with people around me who have free minds, but the last time that was an open thing was in middle or elementary school. Maybe I’m afraid to grow up, because adults tend to be close minded. Adults are less willing to take risks and have fun, and act like a kid every once in awhile. Maybe I’m scared because within the next decade, I could reasonably have kids if my own. After high school ends, I don’t really have excuses to mess up either. It’s easy to mess up, and I can do it a lot sometimes. College is full of amazing and great things, but if I mess up, it is a lot bigger of a deal. I can’t just ask for forgiveness and they’ll think, oh she’s just a kid. I’ll be a learning adult, where my actions are more serious. I just need a lot of time to get ready to graduate by the time it comes around, and be ready for all of these things.

Letting go?

I feel like something I have always struggled with is letting people go. I realize now, that I’m much better at it than I used to be. I used to let people walk all over me, and I’d let them drag me down with them. I did EVERYTHING I could do help with any problem they had, and cared with my whole heart. After a lot of heartbreak I realized that other people care more about themselves than the person helping them. I did the best I could. One person in particular has had me in a rough spot for a while. Used to be such best friends, in an extremely unique way. I felt our souls connected. We had a bit of a bump when I did something wrong. I did everything I could to fix it, and that should have been enough. It wasn’t though, and I realized if it was any other person than me they wouldn’t have done so much. In fact, that was the first thing I had ever done that deserved an apology and I gave a good one. I couldn’t count on two hands the amount of times I should have gotten an apology from that person and not gotten a single one or even half hearted. So I took a step back and realized that if they were a good friend it wouldn’t be that way. Since then, I decided to stop being the first to text, or the first to ask to hang out. If they wanted to be my friend they would be the first, which was a thing I realized wasn’t common. Since then, I haven’t hung out one on one with that person in too long. I realized it was a one sided friendship. That kind of broke my heart, and recently I wanted to be the first to contact again, I never know how it will turn out though. I never know if they will be worth my time after that. I don’t want to cave, because I deserve a friend that will be caring and aware of things like this. I just don’t want to have my heart broken again, I just feel like it might be different this time. I’ve realized how much I missed that person, but nothing has really changed. I just hate figuring out people don’t care as much when I think they do. It seems stupid but I care so much and that’s something that is important to me and I don’t want to waste my time on people that don’t deserve it. I have so much to offer and I’d rather spend it on myself than wasting it on s person that will only make me feel some sort of shitty. I do my best for people around me and I know it’s important to do things for me too. And if they just don’t care like they used to, why should I? Why do I have to think about it all the time and they don’t?

It’s not an open gesture…

It’s not an open gesture.

I’ve always been really good at reading people. I can tell when they’re upset, and usually why they’re upset if I know them well enough. Even if I don’t, it can be pretty obvious when someone is having a hard time. Like today in one of my classes, a girl behind me was crying. The people sitting next to her on both sides were acting like nothing was going on, just like everyone else in class. This girl is in another class of mine, and we always have a nice time talking, but I’m not super close to her by any means. Just a nice, fun chick, so of course I asked her if everything was okay. Why was I the first one to ask, when she was sitting behind me? I sit in the very front and center of that class, and I know other people were aware of her crying. I felt a little offended by the other people, that they did not care to ask. I know it might seem stupid, but you never know what she could be going through. She was tough though, and said it was fine and denied my request if she wanted me to go with her to guidance. I told her I would be there for her if she ever wanted to talk. She thanked me and continued crying. Like hey sis, I get it. Sometimes you just have to cry. But I realized how many times I have offered to do many different people to talk to me if I needed them, even if they were complete strangers. It’s not just me trying to make them feel better in the moment, I genuinely care. I’ve thought about that girl all day and have been wondering what is going on, and if she will be okay. She probably forgot that I even offered to be there for her, probably because she thought I didn’t mean it. I am not a judgy person by any means, and I am someone that anyone can trust. And I’m not just saying you can trust me because I can, I say it because I mean it. It’s so shitty, how a room full of people are ignorant to a person in need, and it’s shitty that people assume you don’t mean that you’re trustworthy and that you are about them. It seems like a basic thing, and it’s shitty of people- to not just be quality people. You don’t even have to tell me what’s going on if you don’t want to, just know that I’m truly there if you change your mind. Like, when did we stop caring? I remember in elementary school, or even in middle school. If someone was crying, there was a group of people surrounding that person asking how to help. One person would be giving them tissues, another person a hug. So many kids want to help make that one sad kid feel better. Do you know how many more happy teenagers and adults there would be, if we still did that?

Why Not Travel?

I don’t understand how some people don’t care for Travel. I feel like one of those things that I will always love, is traveling. Even if it’s to a different part of the state you live in, there’s so much that you can learn and experience. Missouri itself has so much to offer. Downtown Stl has so many different restaurants, stores, and people to offer. Then, Kansas City is only a few hours away and it offers what feels like a whole new state. I visited the Plaza for the first time this year with my AP Art classes, and it was actually a really awesome experience for me. It has like a small city feel to it, something quaint and safe feeling about it with so much to explore. It’s also funny how just a days drive can get you in what feels like a whole new world! I think the most interesting of all the states I’ve been to in the US would have to be Louisiana, specifically New Orleans. It obviously has a very French feel to it, but it honestly has hands down the best food I’ve ever had. If you ever find yourself near Commanders Palace, it might be the most expensive meal you’ve ever had, but GO. I literally almost cried when I went there. It’s funny how food can have such a strong affect on the culture of a trip for someone. Basically, I went to New Orleans last year for Thanksgiving, and the whole 5 days we spend there was Thanksgiving. Every single meal was absolutely spectacular. The streets were lined with artists either plaintiff, drawing, or playing music. Of course, the best music from the streets you will ever hear. That entire trip was a “jaw drop” for me. It’s so crazy how one little area can hold so much! I’ve been to most of the states in the US, which I’m extremely lucky for and will always cherish. I’ve also been able to go to Mexico a couple times and I’ve also been to England and France. Each one of those trips were extremely unique and it inspires me to go to as many places I can. I think that’s why I’m even more excited to go to Africa. This trip, really will feel like a whole new world, and to me, it basically will be. I will learn about an entirely new culture, languages I’ve never even heard of before; I will learn what the truth is in the life of Africa. I think it will be an extremely humbling experience, and I hopefully will inspire me to travel the world further. I feel like traveling the world adds such a deeper knowledge and wisdom than anything else possibly could. If I could meet anyone in the world, I would meet Louis Cole, a YouTuber. This man has traveled what seems like every inch of the world. He helps people everywhere, and explores crevices in nature that seem impossible. To me, he seems like the wisest person I could meet. Hopefully one day I can feel accomplished and wise from my days of traveling. I hope it will take me many places.

Gaga Regrets

Okay, so I know not everyone is a fan of Lady Gaga but I have had such respect for her my whole life. She’s wild, I never understand her music videos, and she 100% marches to her own drum. I love it. Her music has changed so much from what it used to be, and I feel like it was gained a lot of wisdom in her newest album. I’m so happy for her and how far she’s come, and how all she knows is how to do her own thing. I’m so mad at myself for not getting tickets to her concert tonight, and who knows the next time she’ll go on tour again. I’m one of those hardcore concert goers, I’ve counted all of the bands that I can remember that I’ve seen, and it’s now up to 103 bands and artists, but I know I’m still missing many more from when I was younger. I’ve grown up in a music house, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I’ve recently been caught up in a bunch of money crap since I’m saving for college and my Africa trip, and I’m still paying back my parents for my plane ticket I got to go visit my best friend for her birthday. Any which way, I should have just suckedit up and picked up extra shifts at work to make it happen for me to go see her, and I feel so dumb for not making it happen. I’m promising myself now, that if/when she goes on tour again, I won’t make stupid excuses.

St. Jude coming soon…

Wow, in less than a month I will be running my first half marathon! That’s pretty crazy if you ask me… I was really intimidated and concerned about doing this, all the way up to last week. That’s probably not a great thing, but I ran my all time high in mileage and hit 10 miles. It was really exciting to get to double digits, I know not everyone can say that they’ve hit double digits in running haha. I think I’m pretty confident now in my running since then, my breathing was great, and I probably could have done all 13 if I had the time. I’ve really been getting quite excited for that weekend though, my boyfriend is coming with me again this year, though he’s not running. We ran the 5k last year with my mom while my dad ran the half. This year I’m running the half with my mom and dad, and my boyfriend is coming as a supporter! I’m really glad he’s going to be there for this, it’s going to be a pretty big deal for me. I’ve also been fundraising for a long time, I just need to finish off the last 85 dollars and I’ll be ready. The run will take place in Memphis, Tennessee, one of my favorite places in the US. Last year we went to Beale Street which was very exciting, sort of reminded me of Bourbon Street in a bit of a lower scale way. We also went to Graceland which is the best because Elvis is my man, but this year we’re going to take a tour of Sun Studio. Sun Studio is basically the place where ever big time artist has ever recorded, like, the legit talented ones with a large musical significance through the history of music. I’m getting really excited about that, because the past two years we have gone to Tennessee and didn’t get the chance to tour it. We also have a little tradition of going to this breakfast/coffee place after the race, they have some kick ass lattes. As I’m sure I’ll be going there, I might need a hardier place to eat after running 13.1 miles. It’s crazy how exercise really does burn up everything in your stomach. When I ran those 10 miles, I was an empty pit of hungry for about 24 hours afterward. Anyways, as much as I feel like I have struggled getting here, and as much as I feel like I haven’t made much progress, 10 miles is a huge deal for me. Having Asthma and VCD has limited me in quite a few things in life, breathing is kind of a big deal you know. Yet I’m happy I can look at myself and see the progress, because whether I think I’ve made any or not, I feel like I will be pretty comfortable with this half marathon. I look forward to doing this, for it’ll be a personal accomplishment I can’t give credit to anyone for but me.

Thoughts on Style…

It’s so interesting to me how everyone has their own style. Own style of clothing, own style of music, own style of life. Some people prefer peaceful and pretty, and others prefer hardcore and heavy. I don’t even really know what my own style is yet, I guess I’m still finding that out. Another thing I love, is that certain places attract a certain style of people. Like the Central West End attracts a lot of modern coffee goers which I find attractive, yet you could also find me hiking in a park, or going to a Disturbed concert. A lot of people are pretty exclusive to their style, they don’t like to venture outside of that ring. Yet since I don’t really know my style, maybe that’s why I can be found in a lot of different places. Because of that, I also find myself open to a lot of different people. I have friends that are sporty, preppy, alternative, girly, fashionista, and the ones you find in sweats every day. I’m happy with all of these kinds of people which I guess is also a good thing. I also have a wide variety of music I listen to. I listen to country, rap, blues, heavy metal, pop, alternative, indie, rock, heck, I can even do jazz. I’m attracted to a lot of different music types because I feel like they all have a lot to offer. Maybe that’s why I like so many different types of things, because I feel like they offer so much. Maybe that’s my style.

I Can See…

I can see when people hit that point in their life where they start to go down a different path. I’ve seen so many close friends change, good and bad. I’ve seen drugs consume way too many people. It’s interesting, how a plant can persuade the mind of a young teenager that school doesn’t matter, careers don’t matter, the future doesn’t matter. It’s interesting that I have spotted the exact moment in which the climax of their “rebellious stage” has taken over their life and they no longer care about the values they used to have. I don’t care if people do it every once in a while, but I care when I can tell the moment it has become more. The funny thing is, at this point in my life, I just let them go when I see this. It’s so easy for me now to let go. Sometimes I remember how much fun I used to have with that person, and I realize how much they have changed since then. I know people that carry themselves differently, speak differently, and even laugh differently since I have stopped connecting myself with that person. I see them fading, close to failing out of school. They get in trouble all the time and become angry at the world when they don’t know what the actual source of it all is. The funny thing is, in the angst of a moment like that, is when they turn to it the most. I know it too. I don’t even need to see it to know that truth. Sometimes I wonder if I could stop them, if I could be some sort of positive influence in order to help them stay true to who they are. But by the time I wish to influence them differently, they’re already heading down that path and it’s too late. I lost one of my best friends about a year ago to this, and I see another one of them starting to go down that same path. I want to help her, I want her to be happy. I just know if I’m too late. I’ve seen other people change in different ways too. I’ve seen people with some of the deepest souls, wild ones. The kind that I find the most intriguing. I’ve seen those souls hate what shallow people are like, hate the common people. I’ve seen them open their souls and let me peek inside. Those kind of souls feel like an unknown jungle; utterly beautiful, a little bit intimidating, and untouched by the poison that is societal followings. Being free from that craving of fitting in with every single other person. I’ve seen those souls, become shallow. I’ve seen those jungles become infected. I’ve seen those people change their beliefs. No more hunger for adventure, but instead, objects. I don’t understand how one soul could do so. But I’ve seen it happen. I’ve lost those deep, wild souls that I called friends to mad made up things. Two things that hurt the most, but define most. Drugs and society.